By Charles Arencibia
While walking out of Whole Foods to his Prius, Columbus' longtime Soulja Boy fan, Mr. Crossman, inadvertently caused a car accident when light reflected off his forehead onto a driver's retina causing him to crash into a parked car.
The driver experienced retinal burning and quickly called the police for a report and Crossman fled the scene southbound.
Crossman was able to evade the initial police response.
The Twig's crime specialist has indicated that his sambas may have aided his escape. Additionally, he donned a wig and sunglasses to get away.
A police officer recognized him strolling through the Books & Books Cafe in Coral Gables and was able to apprehend him.
“While we were trying to arrest him, he rambled about postmodernism," the officer said.
When the police searched his Prius, they found three bottles of Rogaine in his trunk and three copies of "The Myth of Sisyphus" fastened with a seatbelt in the passenger seat.
The Twig has reached out for a comment, but Crossman is yet to respond.
Students must now wear sunglasses while attending his classes for safety purposes.
This is an ongoing report - details will be updated as it unfolds.
This is an article for The Twig - the satire section of The Log.
You can't prove any of this.